Growing up, I remember hearing the phrases boys in my classes used to describe sex or their sexual encounters. “I hi that,” “I beat it up,” “I’d smash that,” “getting drilled.” I didn’t fully understand the weight of what I was hearing. It sounded casual, just words. But now as an adult, I hear the violence embedded in them.
These phrases were never neutral. They are, and were, derogatory. They frame sex as something that happens to a woman, not with her. They strip her of agency and position her as a passive body. Something to be used, entered, and acted upon regardless of what she feels, wants or experiences. What is meant to be intimate, sensual and sacred is reframed as conquest, domination and at times pain. This mindset does not exist in isolation but feeds directly into rape culture and gender-based violence. Men who prey on women do not see women as whole people; they see bodies. They are conditioned to believe sex is owed to them, something they are entitled to. And when consent is not given freely, some feel justified in taking it by force.
I watched a Tiktok where a woman documented being followed by two men. in the video, she holds up a used pad as a form of defense. The moment the men realized what it was, they fled. We are desired for our curves, the sway of our hips, our breasts, yet our anatomy is disregarded. The contradiction is telling, women are sexualized but not humanized.
When violent language is normalized to describe sex, it shapes how young men and women understand intimacy. It paints a picture of sex as inherently aggressive, rough by default. And while rough sex can exist consensually and intentionally, assuming that all women want pain, force, or dominance because that is how sex has been culturally framed is not only wrong but dangerous. The porn industry ( an industry I despise more than anything in this world) plays a significant role in this miseducation. Women are depicted as endlessly available, always ready, always submitting, rarely expressing discomfort or refusal. A perfect fantasy. This creates a distorted understanding of intimacy, one where consent is assumed and boundaries are invisible. A woman’s “no” is either absent or ignored altogether.
Language matters. The words we use teach us what is acceptable, what is expected and what is allowed. When we speak about sex in violent terms, we reinforce a culture that prioritizes power over connection, entitlement over consent and domination over mutual desire. That culture has consequences as we see very clearly in today’s society. At its core, sex is meant to be a consensual act. It is meant to be mutual enjoyment, a shared experience where there is give and take. Where one person does not overpower the other. Women deserve to be seen within the act, not acted upon. Our bodies deserve to be heard. When only one body is centered and the other is silenced, sex stops being intimacy and becomes about control. Until women are recognized as equal, active participants in sex, the violence embedded in how we talk about it will continue to shape how it is practiced.
yours, in truth
Christina