Masturbation & Pornography Pt 2: My Testimony

I want to begin by saying this: sharing my testimony is not about placing the focus on me, but on the One who helped me overcome.

I was very young when I was first exposed to pornography around the age of five. Some people may wonder how I’m able to remember that, but the mind is a powerful thing. It can bury memories deeply, yet they can be resurfaced and unlocked by a smell, a touch, an image. Though the exposure lasted only a moment, the images stayed with me.

As I grew older, those memories faded into the background of my mind buried, waiting for the right moment to awaken again. And I want to make one thing very clear: all it takes is a seed, no matter how small, to trap you. Once exposure happens, that seed is planted. And whatever you water will grow.

The things we turn to for satisfaction become what we consider our “safe place.” Even if only temporarily, we use them as an escape. But Scripture tells us that God is our refuge. A refuge is defined as a condition of being safe or sheltered from danger, trouble, or pursuit.

Pornography was never entertainment for me personally. It wasn’t something I turned to out of boredom or curiosity. It was something I used to soothe myself to quiet the pain and damaged emotions in my heart.

We all have a safe place something we run to when we want relief, distraction, or comfort. But the question we have to ask ourselves is this: what is the source of that safe place?

Whenever I needed security when I felt angry, hurt, discouraged, or deeply lonely I ran to pornography and masturbation. It filled a void. It felt like a hug, a pat on the back, a moment of relief, an unspoken “I love you.” It mimicked intimacy and love in the most perverse way.

My body and mind became attached because, scientifically, my brain was releasing surges of dopamine creating a sense of pleasure, a high. And that release became addictive. Eventually, the high wasn’t enough anymore. There was a period where masturbation alone no longer satisfied me. I needed more. The dose had to increase.

That’s how it works. You begin with one thing, and over time you’re left dissatisfied, constantly craving more. I remember telling myself, I would never watch porn. I’ll never cross that line. But then the images embedded in my mind from when I was five resurfaced and they became the push that sent me spiraling.

From that point on, I was bound to this addiction on and off for four to five years. I would repent, stay “good” for months, and then eventually fall right back in. A large part of this cycle stemmed from my lack of trust in God and in who He truly is. I carried deeply rooted childhood and young adult trauma that had never been addressed.

God later revealed the root of it all and that root was rejection. I’ll speak more on that in another post. But the result was a corrupted heart. It was never just a behavior issue it was a heart issue. My soul was fragmented. My spirit was wounded.

Addictions and destructive habits always have a root. Yours may not look like mine, but it exists. And freedom doesn’t come from trimming branches you have to pull the root out completely. You have to cut the whole tree down.

This began because my childhood curiosity was not protected. But I continued because I wanted it, I needed it, I relied on it.

I can’t go back and change what happened. But what I can do is speak honestly about the damage this addiction caused through my childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, womanhood, and faith. What I can do is be as real and raw as possible, because I’m desperate to get this message out.

At some point, I became exhausted. Tired of relapsing. Tired of running back to something that temporarily filled me but always left me emptier than before. I was also relapsing because, truthfully, I wasn’t ready to let go. It felt like greedy hands constantly asking more of me while giving nothing in return.

And I was tired of the spiritual attacks.

Many people don’t realize that this struggle has a spiritual dimension. Pornography and masturbation open doors whether we acknowledge it or not. We tend to see ourselves as only flesh and bone, but we are not just bodies. We are spirits housed in bodies. The soul expresses our humanity, but it has limits. The spirit is the core.

You’ve heard the saying, “the eyes are the windows to the soul.” It’s true. What we watch and what we listen to impacts us sometimes immediately, sometimes later. Exposure opens doors. Spiritual attacks can manifest physically. I experienced that firsthand. I came face to face with demonic spirits in my sleep.

God allowed those moments to show me the severity of what I was dealing with. What began as one issue led to deeper bondage each time I returned to it.

Scripture says:

“When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it… Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.”

(Matthew 12:43–45)

But here is the good news: I found freedom.

My deliverance was not easy, and it was not instant. There were days I fell but I got back up. And if I’m honest, I am still tempted to this day. The difference now is that I know who to run to.

Letting go of pornography and masturbation felt like pulling teeth. It didn’t happen overnight. It required prayer, fasting, accountability, and practical and real steps to resist and remain free because though everything starts spiritually, it flows to the physical.

Stay tuned for Part 3, where I share more about deliverance, freedom, and the steps I took toward lasting healing.

Yours, in truth

Christina