I’d like to start off by saying this; sharing my testimony and experience is not to put the focus on me, but the One that helped me to overcome.

I was very young when I was introduced to pornography, I’d say around the age of 5. Some may wonder how I’m able to remember that..but the mind is a powerful thing. It can bury memories, but can easily resurface & be unlocked by a smell, a touch, a picture etc. Though it was for a millisecond, the images that I saw stayed with me. As I continued to get older they faded into the back of my mind. They were buried, waiting for the right moment to be awakened again. I want to make one thing clear. All it takes is a seed — no matter how small, to get you trapped. What begins to happen, once you are exposed, that seed grows. Whatever you water will grow. The things we depend on to satisfy us is what we consider to be our “safe place.” Even if it’s just for a moment, we use those very things as an escape. The Bible says that God is our refuge. the definition of refuge is “a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger or trouble.”

Watching porn wasn’t entertainment for me. It wasn’t something I did because I was bored or I felt like watching. It was something to soothe me..to heal the damaging emotions in my heart. We all have a safe place, something we do or partake in. We use those things to get our mind off of our troubles. But we must ask ourselves..what is the source of our safe place?  Whenever I wanted security, the many times I was angry, hurt, discouraged & even depressed I’d run to porn & masturbation. It filled an empty void. It was a hug, a pat on the back, a relief, an “I love you.” It was intimacy and love in the most perverse way. My body and mind became attached because scientifically my brain was releasing surges of dopamine into my body, which made me feel good. It felt like a high. And  that release became addicting. The high became so great that there was a period in time where masturbating wasn’t enough. I found myself craving something more. I needed to up the doses. & that’s what happens. You start with one thing and find yourself being left dissatisfied. I remember always telling myself “I would never watch porn. I’ll never cross that line.” But then came the images that were embedded in my mind when I was 5. Remembering those images was the push that sent me spiraling off the cliff. 

From then, I was bound to this addiction on and off for about 4-5 years. I would repent & be good for months on end..then eventually fall right back in. A lot of this came from my lack of trust in God and who He is. I had deeply rooted issues from childhood and young adult trauma that were never addressed. God later revealed what the root was. & that root was rejection. I will dig into that in another blog post later on. That resulted in my heart being corrupted. It was a heart issue. My soul was fragmented while my spirit was broken. It was a replacement for almost everything. Bad habits & addictions has a root. Your root might not be as deep as mine, but there is one nonetheless. To be free from something you have to get to the root and pull it out. You have to cut the whole tree down, a single branch will not do. 

This all started because my curiosity as a child was not protected but I continued because I wanted to, I needed it, I relied on it. I wish I can go back in time to change it, but I can’t. What I can do now is speak on the damaging effects that this addiction has had on me as a child, as a teen, as a young adult, as a woman, & as a believer. What I can do now, is be real and raw as possible. I’m that desperate to get the word out. At some point, I was tired of constantly relapsing..tired of falling back into something that temporarily filled me but left me empty in the end. I was also relapsing because the truth is I wasn’t ready to let go. It felt like greedy hands constantly asking more of me while giving me nothing in return. Not only that, but I was tired of the spiritual attacks. Many people don’t understand that this has a spiritual aspect to it. Porn & Masturbation indeed open doors to more issues. People look at their body, their flesh and think that this is all we are, skin and bone. But no. You are a spirit in a body. While the soul is the source of our expression through our humanity, it has limits. The soul is a channel, but the spirit is the core. You ever heard the saying “the eyes are the windows to the soul?” Well, it’s true. The things we watch & what we listen to impacts us whether immediately or later down the line. When we indulge in certain things it opens doors. Our spirits are attacked but it can also manifest into the physical. I experienced that first hand. I was coming face to face with demonic spirits in my sleep. & God allowed those attacks to show me the severity of the situation. It started with this one problem, but every time I went back I found myself falling in deeper. The Bible says “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it.” It continues on to say “I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order.Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.” (Matthew 12: 43-45). 

The good news is, I was able to get my freedom. However, my deliverance was not achieved without difficulties. There were days I fell..but I got back up & to be honest, I am still tempted till this day. But NOW I know who to run to. 

Letting go of masturbation and pornography was like pulling teeth. It didn’t happen overnight. It takes a lot of praying, fasting while finding practical ways to resist & remain delivered in this area. 

STAY TUNED FOR PART 3 where I talk about deliverance, freedom, & the steps I took.