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I want to begin by saying this: sharing my testimony is not about placing the focus on me, but on the One who helped me overcome.

I was very young when I was first exposed to pornography around the age of five. Some people may wonder how I’m able to remember that, but the mind is a powerful thing. It can bury memories deeply, yet they can be resurfaced and unlocked by a smell, a touch, an image. Though the exposure lasted only a moment, the images stayed with me.

As I grew older, those memories faded into the background of my mind buried, waiting for the right moment to awaken again. And I want to make one thing very clear: all it takes is a seed, no matter how small, to trap you. Once exposure happens, that seed is planted. And whatever you water will grow.

The things we turn to for satisfaction become what we consider our “safe place.” Even if only temporarily, we use them as an escape. But Scripture tells us that God is our refuge. A refuge is defined as a condition of being safe or sheltered from danger, trouble, or pursuit.

Pornography was never entertainment for me personally. It wasn’t something I turned to out of boredom or curiosity. It was something I used to soothe myself to quiet the pain and damaged emotions in my heart.

We all have a safe place something we run to when we want relief, distraction, or comfort. But the question we have to ask ourselves is this: what is the source of that safe place?

Whenever I needed security when I felt angry, hurt, discouraged, or deeply lonely I ran to pornography and masturbation. It filled a void. It felt like a hug, a pat on the back, a moment of relief, an unspoken “I love you.” It mimicked intimacy and love in the most perverse way.

My body and mind became attached because, scientifically, my brain was releasing surges of dopamine creating a sense of pleasure, a high. And that release became addictive. Eventually, the high wasn’t enough anymore. There was a period where masturbation alone no longer satisfied me. I needed more. The dose had to increase.

That’s how it works. You begin with one thing, and over time you’re left dissatisfied, constantly craving more. I remember telling myself, I would never watch porn. I’ll never cross that line. But then the images embedded in my mind from when I was five resurfaced and they became the push that sent me spiraling.

From that point on, I was bound to this addiction on and off for four to five years. I would repent, stay “good” for months, and then eventually fall right back in. A large part of this cycle stemmed from my lack of trust in God and in who He truly is. I carried deeply rooted childhood and young adult trauma that had never been addressed.

God later revealed the root of it all and that root was rejection. I’ll speak more on that in another post. But the result was a corrupted heart. It was never just a behavior issue it was a heart issue. My soul was fragmented. My spirit was wounded.

Addictions and destructive habits always have a root. Yours may not look like mine, but it exists. And freedom doesn’t come from trimming branches you have to pull the root out completely. You have to cut the whole tree down.

This began because my childhood curiosity was not protected. But I continued because I wanted it, I needed it, I relied on it.

I can’t go back and change what happened. But what I can do is speak honestly about the damage this addiction caused through my childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, womanhood, and faith. What I can do is be as real and raw as possible, because I’m desperate to get this message out.

At some point, I became exhausted. Tired of relapsing. Tired of running back to something that temporarily filled me but always left me emptier than before. I was also relapsing because, truthfully, I wasn’t ready to let go. It felt like greedy hands constantly asking more of me while giving nothing in return.

And I was tired of the spiritual attacks.

Many people don’t realize that this struggle has a spiritual dimension. Pornography and masturbation open doors whether we acknowledge it or not. We tend to see ourselves as only flesh and bone, but we are not just bodies. We are spirits housed in bodies. The soul expresses our humanity, but it has limits. The spirit is the core.

You’ve heard the saying, “the eyes are the windows to the soul.” It’s true. What we watch and what we listen to impacts us sometimes immediately, sometimes later. Exposure opens doors. Spiritual attacks can manifest physically. I experienced that firsthand. I came face to face with demonic spirits in my sleep.

God allowed those moments to show me the severity of what I was dealing with. What began as one issue led to deeper bondage each time I returned to it.

Scripture says:

“When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it… Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.”

(Matthew 12:43–45)

But here is the good news: I found freedom.

My deliverance was not easy, and it was not instant. There were days I fell but I got back up. And if I’m honest, I am still tempted to this day. The difference now is that I know who to run to.

Letting go of pornography and masturbation felt like pulling teeth. It didn’t happen overnight. It required prayer, fasting, accountability, and practical and real steps to resist and remain free because though everything starts spiritually, it flows to the physical.

Stay tuned for Part 3, where I share more about deliverance, freedom, and the steps I took toward lasting healing.

Yours, in truth

Christina

I remember scrolling through Facebook and seeing a clip from a new Netflix show called Sex, Love & Goop. The clip explained the five erotic blueprints, and my first thought wasn’t agreement—it was relief. At least they’re actually talking about it.

Because the truth is, the church and in many cases, our parents failed us when it came to conversations about sex and what it truly is. Instead of revealing sex for what God intended it to be, it was hidden, avoided, and shrouded in shame. That silence has done far more harm than good.

We were created for this act. Desire was intentionally placed within us by God but the problem was never the desire itself. The problem has always been what we do with it. Yet instead of teaching us how to steward that desire, we were taught to suppress it, ignore it, or feel ashamed of it.

So when our bodies began to change and our hormones started raging, we had no one to confide in. We grew up believing that feeling aroused was wrong that if we acknowledged it, we would be judged or condemned. But how can you deny something that is both scientifically and biblically natural?

How are we supposed to navigate the process of waiting when our bodies are wired to want the very thing they were created to do?

If sex had been taught as the beautiful thing it truly is when experienced within covenant—if it had been explained honestly rather than presented through a perverse lens, I believe many of us wouldn’t have fallen into the traps of pornography and masturbation.

Instead of hiding, we should have been taught that there is grace and that God always provides a way out when we are tempted (1 Corinthians 10:13). But how can we offer solutions if no one is willing to admit there’s a problem?

I genuinely believe our parents’ silence came from a place of protection. But what you don’t teach your children, someone else will and most of the time, it won’t be in the way you would have wanted them to learn.

When the church doesn’t talk and parents don’t talk, pornography, masturbation, Playboy magazines, and erotica become the teachers. They’re the only voices willing to give answers. That’s where the enemy’s agenda comes in.

Exposure never happens all at once. The enemy doesn’t drop something explicit in our laps—he feeds us small, seemingly harmless doses over time. A friend bringing inappropriate cards to school. Staying up late to watch Adult Swim while our parents slept. Curiosity disguised as innocence.

That silence that refusal to speak was the first mistake. We chose to let the world teach us instead. “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6).

It’s not enough to tell people something is wrong or unhealthy. We have to explain why. We have to talk about the doors it opens and how, like an addiction, it slowly becomes something you depend on—whether you realize it or not.

Every time you’re stressed. Every time you’re lonely. Every time you need a release you go back to it. It gives you a high, but what goes up must come down. So you crash. You feel good for a moment, but nothing changes. And then you return again…and again.

It corrupts the mind. You stop seeing people as human beings and start seeing them as objects. Your thoughts become distorted. You become desensitized. Men begin to expect women to fulfill false fantasies. Women feel pressure to meet unrealistic, unhealthy standards expectations that often carry into marriage.

Everything becomes twisted.

This is a spiritual issue, whether we want to admit it or not.

Our innocence our undeveloped minds were exposed to things we had no business seeing. And don’t be fooled: if this were truly normal, you wouldn’t have to hide it. You could announce it openly. You wouldn’t need darkness or secrecy.

Why not keep the door open? Why the whisper of shame? Why the guilt afterward? Why don’t you feel whole when it’s over?

Here’s the truth: it will never be enough. The hunger will always remain.

We live in a world that encourages addiction to anything that feels good but not everything that feels good is good. And it’s worth noting that many of the people who sell these things never consume their own products. Drug dealers don’t have to be addicts to profit. The porn industry is no different it feeds off dependence while offering nothing that truly sustains.

Maybe you think it’s harmless. Maybe you think it’s just temporary. But I invite you to pause. Think about how you were introduced. Think about the impact it’s had then and now.

And here’s the good news: you don’t have to stay stuck. You don’t have to remain enslaved. There is only One who can truly sustain you. Only One who satisfies in a way that leaves no hunger behind.

His name is Jesus.

Yours, in truth

Christina